Here I look at what’s good about the book, what’s bad, and how to be an anthropologist who studies the romantic rituals of a foreign culture.  

The Good

In Untangled Lisa Damour tackles three things that get in the way of girls’, and therefore also women’s, well-being:

• The myth that adolescence is chaotic, difficult and impossible to understand so we must all just grin and bear it while we muddle our way through.
• The reality that we mimic the parenting that we grew up with (especially under stress) and not all of it was adequate to the task.
• The limiting beliefs and values that society imposes on girls and women which get in the way of bringing our full selves to the table.

The writer looks for a new way to talk about teenage girls that is fairer to them and their parents.  She untangles adolescence from what looks like chaos into seven predictable strands of development that teenagers negotiate in order to become functioning adults.  They are:

1. Parting with childhood
2. Joining a new tribe
3. Harnessing emotions
4. Contending with adult authority
5. Planning for the future
6. Entering the romantic world
7. Caring for herself

The focus of this book is on how girls specifically negotiate these strands of development within their social context and the confines that come with it.  To do this, Damour uses case studies that are a composite of the many situations she has dealt with in her practice as therapist, guidance counsellor, university teacher, and parent.  She also refers to a lot of research and explains it in lay terms.  The research is sensitive to how girls of different racial, ethnic and economic backgrounds are affected differently.  Additionally, she reveals the outworking of social norms and attitudes on the lives of girls and women and offers some alternatives for what to do about it.

As she goes, the writer suggests ways to handle common challenges teenage girls experience, and confront adults with, so that they can successfully move forward.  It’s very helpful to know that teenage girls do not all take these tasks on in the same order, nor do they complete them at the same pace.  Some girls will do really well and sail through some tasks, while resisting and stumbling through others.  They are all usually progressing down multiple strands at any given time too.  Once we understand what these strands of development are and can recognise them, we will be in a position to celebrate what seemed like a parenting hurdle or rebelliousness for what it really is: a sign that she is doing the work of growing up.  We will also be able to identify the best approach to accompanying her in a healthy way.  And we will know not to let her success in one strand distract us from the difficulty she may be having in another.

I really appreciate that Lisa Damour does not shy away from concretely addressing issues around sex, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, gender identity and sexual orientation. The author is a total realist.  She invites adults to acknowledge and work with the options most girls actually have, rather than with the social options we wish they had.  She says that if we can do this, we will protect our daughters. We will also avoid setting up a dynamic where our daughters are forced to lie to us in order to complete their growing up; something which ultimately prevents them from asking us for our help when they need it. The other thing she is a realist about is the high-speed culture of intense competitive pressure and 24/7 digital connection that todays’s teenagers are growing up with.  She provides some good ideas and guidance in this regard as well.

One of the things that I found so helpful about this book is how Lisa Damour gently yet firmly reminds us of what our task is as adults walking with teenagers who are trying to become adults themselves.  In every chapter there is some anchoring statement or idea that centres us and reminds us what we want to be as parents, and what goal teenagers are pursuing and that we want them to pursue too.  For instance, making sure that their safety comes before any of our disciplinary policies.  In other words, they can count on us when they get into a complicated, difficult and risky situation.

Another thing that is really good about this book is that the author does not downplay the importance of seeking professional help as a parent.  I have personally found that seeking advice and counsel for myself has been of utmost importance.  It acknowledges my role in whatever is happening in my daughter’s life without her feeling like there is something wrong with her for having growing pains.  In addition, Damour clearly outlines how to recognise when it is time to worry and seek professional and third-party interventions for a teenage girl at the same time.

The Bad

I have come back to this book over and over again, as I know others have too.  That is because there is so much great information and orientation here.  Perhaps it is my naivety to think that things should turn out the way the writer confidently predicts.  It has been my experience that some of the anecdotes come across as simple to resolve when, in fact, every situation is unique and complex. I can think of at least one situation where I applied an approach that went awry for us. 

That being said, Lisa Damour does say in her introduction that what she offers are suggestions for responding to the many normal yet perplexing challenges we face with teens.  She also admits that when it comes to parenting there are many ways to get it right.  So maybe it was just me desperately hoping for an instant solution, too wrapped up in my own anxiety to connect with my inner wisdom and the suggestions in her book.

When it comes to discussing sexuality and sex education, this book is written with a conservative Western cultural approach in mind.  Damour does not refer to the Scandinavian and Dutch approaches to Sex Ed and the outcomes of that, or what that might mean for your parenting.  Read this article If you would like to explore this more.

How To

Be an anthropologist of teen romantic rituals

Romance and sexuality are a highly fulfilling part of human life, yet they are also fraught and complex.  Add to this that sex is in many ways a taboo subject.  As parents and caregivers we often feel at a loss to work with this.

When it dawns on us at about age three that our parents have an exclusive relationship, this is the time that we first become aware that we are not the centre of every human relationship.  “At around age four children realise that romantic relationships constitute a very special connection and that they don’t have a romance of their own.” This is why the Dutch school system starts sex education at the pre-primary level already.  I can confirm that around this time both my daughters told us about crushes they had for the first time. 

From that first moment we were anthropologists, which is why Damour’s suggestion really resonated with me.  I saw that this is what we had done.  Being an anthropologist who studies the romantic rituals of a foreign culture means putting aside our own values, judgements, interpretations and assumptions.  It means being curious and observant.  It means asking lots of open ended questions.  When we do this we will glean important information that will guide us towards an appropriate reaction that keeps the door open to further discussions, builds trust and lets girls know they can turn to us for advice and help.  To be clear, this is the opening move and you are encouraged to communicate your values and expectations after you have heard a teen out.

The reason I think this is so important is that we often forget that children are children. When we hear they have a boyfriend or girlfriend our minds have already jumped to what that means for us as adults.  We often read way more into something than is actually there.   I almost freaked and started imagining the worst when one of my daughters was 9 years old and told me that she had a boyfriend.  Then I remembered what we had done when she was four, which was ask questions.  I breathed and said, “What does it mean to have a boyfriend?”  She told us that means you actually talk to this boy, whereas you ignore all the others in your class because they are so annoying.  She wasn’t sneaking behind a bush during break to kiss him!  Of course, that is a likely behaviour later.

Being an anthropologist doesn’t only have to apply to your teen girl’s own experience.  She is occasionally going to tell you stuff about her friends and this is an especially great moment to get curious, observe, and ask questions.  It gives you a way to get her thinking about what it would mean for her to be in the same predicament.  You can also ask her what she thinks about what’s going on with her friend and what advice she is thinking of giving her / him.  Don’t forget that she may be telling you about a friend while in fact she is talking about herself.

Damour specifically talks about being an anthropologist in this context of burgeoning romance.  Actually, it is great advice for all areas of parenting.  If you go back and read with this in mind you will notice that the writer models this throughout the book; no judgement, no advice, just curiosity and well thought out questions.  I am guessing that this is easier said than done for most parents.  We are emotionally involved and afraid of everything we know can go wrong, as well as the things that can go wrong that we have no idea about.  I found it was easier to be an anthropologist when my children were toddlers than it is now.  Then I had no expectation of communicating complex ideas, beliefs and values to them; arguing with them over who is right and who is wrong.  Now it is different.  All teenagers are playing at being adults one way or another.  Some are so good at it that we can easily forget they are still children.  Being an anthropologist is still a good antidote to falling into this trap.

Conclusion

Everyone I know who has read this book has loved it.  I am no exception.  We have all found useful and practical suggestions.  Lisa Damour has definitely managed to strike the right balance between pushing us beyond our comfort zone while affirming all our efforts to get it right.  The well-being of teenage girls and the adults who walk with them is always front and centre.  To achieve this, the writer is a total realist who invites us to be too.  She demystifies the unpredictable nature of adolescence and opens a window for us to appreciate the amazing things that teenagers and their parents do during this important phase of life.  Here too, she brings balance to a conversation that is usually focussed on the pain (dolor) in the word adolescence,  rather than the gain.

This review looks at the good, the bad and the how-to of implementing Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s suggestions for how to empower a daughter to become a strong, independent woman.  It is a start to an urgently needed conversation about what it really means to be a woman today.  She gives both practical advice and philosophical reasons for raising a girl to be herself.

The Good

You can easily read Dear Ijeawele in one sitting over a morning or an afternoon.  The tone is conversational, intimate, and amusing.  It is well-written with language that is economical, simple and accessible.  This is what makes for its remarkable breadth and depth. I envy people who can cover so much ground in so few words and take you along for the ride. 

It truly is a feminist book in my opinion!  Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie takes her two feminist tools seriously and applies them to both men and women throughout her essay.  She is not rigid, insisting on 50:50 everything as a way of raising children differently in order to create a fairer world for women and men.  For her, feminism is always contextual.  Equal means mattering equally.  And her test of equality in the home is when resentment does not exist. 

Adichie introduces the reader to the ins and outs of gender analysis with practical examples while avoiding feminist jargon.  She questions so many gendered assumptions that are prevalent in many, if not most, cultural contexts.  As she gives both practical advice and philosophical reasons for raising a girl to be herself, she addresses societal expectations and ideas in terms of marriage, gender roles, sport, power, gendered behaviour and attributes (like anger, likability, humility, ruthlessness etc.), femininity, beauty ideals and body politics, boundaries, sexuality and virginity, biology, shame, love, the list goes on.  

The whole essay is a critique of language use and how words create worlds.  This is very helpful in terms of giving you tools to subtly shift / adjust thinking and core beliefs about men and women, boys and girls, leading to other ways of being and doing. 

She is unapologetic about being Nigerian and is proud of being African.  Her anecdotes about being Black, and about Nigeria, are wonderfully uplifting and at the same time eye-opening for people of other backgrounds.  If you fall into the latter, you will grow as an ally as you grow as a feminist.  Adichie also names a trap that allies and the oppressed easily fall into… “Saintliness is not a prerequisite for dignity, so don’t turn the oppressed into saints.  People who are unkind and dishonest are still human, and still deserve dignity”.

The Bad

The brevity and simplicity of this book can also be its downfall.  It’s one of those books that draw you in, that you race through nodding your head and then get to the end and think, “what all did I just read?”.  I recommend devouring this book and then sitting down to chew on it slowly and thoughtfully a second time.

The book is an adaptation of a letter to a Nigerian friend in response to a request for advice.  This means that it is heavy on references to Nigerian culture and customs.  Since I have lived and worked in Africa, I could see some of the subtext and fill in the blanks.  I think that as you read through the book you will be able to pick-up and understand the cultural references.  However, some footnotes might be useful to readers from other disimilar traditions.

Because it is an adapted letter, you will not find any references to academic articles, philosophers and deep philosophical texts, or hard-core feminist theory.  If you are looking for this, you will need to look elsewhere.

This book is about systemic and cultural change.  As such, you may have to wait a loooong time to see the results of your actions.  I don’t mean months.  I mean possibly generations.  That being said, I have done some of the work laid out by Adichie, and by comparing my daughters to myself at their age, I can see huge steps forward in the feminist agenda.

For instance, look at this poster done by my 13-year-old daughter in response to the Black Lives Matter protests in 2020 in the US. 

I would never have been that aware or that concerned or even thought that way when I was 13!  I don’t claim all the credit. Gen-Z is so much more aware than Gen-X, but I think as a generation we do have something to do with Gen-Z being where they are!  And so do our mothers, and our grandmothers.  We stand on one another’s shoulders.

The author tangentially addresses the issue of raising feminist boys and raising awareness in men.  This is not a surprise as it is not the stated purpose of the book.  She also tangentially touches on sexual orientation, giving freedom to make an untraditional choice, but acknowledges that she is writing to her friend who is in a heteronormative marriage.  

The How to

The book is long on awareness raising and general guidelines, and shorter on actionable steps. In this sense, it operates more as a check-list of core beliefs and thinking that needs to be changed.  This is as it should be. Real and lasting change only happens when we change what we believe about something first. It will whet your appetite for issues that you want to learn more about and to look for actionable steps that you can practice in your daily life as a woman and mother.  Think of it as a first step in the journey, a map as it were.  Use it to plot your route, then look for ways to get there…

That being said, there are a couple of practical suggestions that I want to tell you about:

1. Teach your daughter to read: Adichie’s Fifth Suggestion

 “Teach her to love books.  Do this by casual example so that she will understand reading is valuable.  Books (the ones she chooses and you choose to show her, not the ones she has to read for school), will help her understand and question the world, help her express herself, and help her in whatever she wants to become. If all else fails, pay her to read.”

I wholeheartedly embrace and endorse this suggestion!  Adichie also mentions in her ninth suggestion that you should expose your daughter to female heroes that share something of her heritage and she can relate to.  Books are a good way to do this.  They are also one of the ways of exposing your daughter to difference and teaching her that it is normal (Fifteenth Suggestion).

My daughters and I have loved reading Robert Munsch stories together because so many of them have plucky girl protagonists who are determined to be themselves, learn, and overcome fears and challenges.  We have had some great conversations about the stories and the decisions the girls make too.  For instance, in the Paper Bag Princess, Elizabeth decides not to marry Prince Ronald after all because of how he behaves.  This opened the door for casually talking about women being able to choose, whether women must get married (see Seventh Suggestion), how appearances can be deceiving, and also how someone should behave under similar circumstances regardless of whether you are considering them as a partner or not. These stories appeal to 3-to-10-year-olds on average. Since you will read them over and over again, each reading provides a new opportunity to talk about one aspect at a time. Among our favourites are:

• The Paper Bag Princess
• The Fire Station
• David’s Father
• Angela’s Airplane
• A Promise is a Promise
• Pigs
• Where is Gah-Ning?

Roald Dahl wrote a couple of books that celebrate resilient girls facing awful circumstances. These are ‘Matilda’ and ‘The BFG’.  Both books have been made into movies that are worth watching too, although Steven Spielberg did adjust the ending to the BFG and in so doing eliminated Dahl’s anti-war statement at the end.  Reading level and interest is pre-teen.

Some books about heroic women that we have enjoyed include Rad Women Worldwide, and Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls.  Note, though, that each culture has a specific idea of what heroism looks like.  Also, if your daughter is introverted and reserved, you may need to look harder for heroic women with her temperament that she can relate to.  Gain some valuable insight into female temperaments through Jean Shinoda Bolen’s Goddesses in Everywoman.

2. It takes a Village to raise a child: Adichie’s Tenth Suggestion

The author says to surround your child with a village of Aunties and Uncles who have the qualities you would like them to admire.  (Clarification:  all older women and men are thought of as Aunties and Uncles in Nigerian culture.)  Talk about how much you admire them and what you admire them for.  Children copy and learn from example. 

This is often easier said than done, especially when it comes to finding suitable men.  Not for this reason should we give up the attempt, though!  It probably means having a community with a diverse age spread to get this right.  Obviously, surrounding children with real, flesh-and-blood people who can become their examples and mentors is ideal.  However, in their absence, it might also mean a virtual village in the form of books, movies, social media groups etc.  So, falling back on suggestions Five and Seven will have to do sometimes.  

Conclusion

I love this book, Dear Ijeawele.  It has something for everyone  For the seasoned feminist it is a great reminder of where we want to be going and the work still to be done.  As such, I suggest reading this book often.  It will bring you back to centre, which, after all, is the purpose of a manifesto!   It is also a great book for any woman who is dipping their toes into feminism for the first time and wanting to raise their daughters (and sons) for a more dignified and equal future.  The book draws the reader in and is not a rant against men making it a wonderful book for men to read.  What I said earlier applies to men too; they will grow as allies as they grow as feminists.  And God knows we need a lot more men around who are feminist and allies as well!

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