Getting in touch with our own bodies and possibly someone else’s too can seem like a little too much to ask.  If you are a woman and have ever wondered what the big deal is about sex, or if you are a partner who has ever wondered why women fake orgasms or are just not that interested, then this is a book for you.  Do you wonder whether you are normal?  Come as you are while I review what’s good and what’s bad about Emily Nagoski’s book on the surprising new science that will transform your sex life.  The first place to start is by learning how to love the vulva, vagina, and mons and I tell you about the experience that I and 3 other women had doing the exercises in chapter 1 of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.

The Good

Emily Nagoski is a passionate sex educator who is up to date on the latest science on the subject.  She loves science, and she combines this with warmth, kindness, and care to present an accessible book on sexuality in general, with the specific purpose of promoting women’s sexual well-being, autonomy and pleasure.  She uses the singular pronoun “they” instead of “she” and “he” because it is simpler and because it is more inclusive of people outside of the gender binary.  At the same time, she acknowledges that there is very little research on trans and genderqueer sexual functioning to generalise from cisgender women’s sexual functioning to that of trans people.

The writer busts many myths about women’s bodies and their genitals.  You definitely want to read what she has to say about the hymen in this regard.   Now, if the clitoris is new to you, then I recommend you check out this article on cliteracy by the Huffington Post even before you read Come As You Are.  In addition to exploring the science of our genitals, Nagoski talks about things like arousal non-concordance (and non-concordance in other emotions), as well as the fact that desire is not a drive. 

Everything she writes about sex, desire, context, mindfulness, culture, etc., is designed to show the ways that women’s  and men’s sexuality are different while sharing similarities.  There is a great biology and anatomy lesson in which the author demonstrates the concept of homology: that we are all made of the same parts, just organised in a different way.  She says this is true for every aspect of sexual expression, including how our sex accelerators (excitation) and breaks (inhibition) work.  She also applies homology to how women’s bodies change over the course of their lives.  Nagoski is at great pains to show that we are all normal (and does give some clues as to the rare occasions when we are not), and that variety may be the only truly universal characteristic of human sexuality. She celebrates it all.

This book is deeply body positive and sex positive.  What I love about the book is that it is not just about your body; it’s also about how you feel about your body, and how your context affects your body’s sexual response and functioning.  There are two things you will definitely come away with after reading this book: you are normal; and you are beautiful in every way.  You will also understand your unique sexual personality and how you can get the most out of it alone and/or with a partner.  Once you understand the dual response model in yourself and others, as well as the roles that emotion and stress play, you will be able to enjoy sexuality a whole lot more.

The book is arranged into four main parts that map onto the biological, psychological and social aspects of our sexuality.  Each chapter includes a summary at the end referred to as tl;dr (too long; didn’t read).  There are also exercises and questionnaires that you can use to understand yourself, sexuality, and your context better.  The two additional exercises in the appendices: Therapeutic Masturbation and Extended Orgasm, come highly recommended.

The Bad

This book is long, and perhaps this is why the writer includes the tl;dr (too long; didn’t read) sections at the end of each chapter.  I must say, though, that while these cover the take away messages in bullet points, you won’t get the full idea of what Nagoski wants to say, or see how the points hang together.

Nagoski makes very valid critiques of the metaphorical meaning that has historically been given to women’s and men’s genitals. She is all about the science, and she uses what we know about anatomy and biology to give new meaning to women’s genitals.  I have no problem with this, per se.  We are story-making animals and I love the meaning she is attaching.  She is still attaching meaning to women’s genitals without openly acknowledging that, though.  

The book is written from a Western perspective with a heavy focus on North American culture.  That does not mean her book has nothing to say to people from other cultures.  The three elements that determine sexual functioning and response: biology, psychology, and social processes, are addressed – culture is only one part of that.

The author is very enthusiastic about her topic and the things that she has discovered in her practice as a sex educator.  She freely shares what has worked for the students and women she has come into contact with.  This is encouraging but at the same time gives the impression that these actions alone can lead to a better sex life.  In my experience, there is a lot that lies behind each of the exercises and ideas she puts forward (see the caveats below).  You have to do the work and it can be lengthy and emotionally taxing.  I also feel she does not sufficiently address the hurdles we face in trying out some of the exercises.  She does mention the importance of therapy, in particular for women who are traumatised by sexual abuse.  So be warned, your sex life will not improve just by reading this, while it does have the potential to open a whole can of worms, but a good can of worms to go fishing for better sex with. 

While there are extensive notes and a thorough reference section, the book falls short on where to find more resources.  Emily Nagoski’s answer is — within.  It’s a good answer but not good enough.  I know where she is coming from, though.  It is a response to a culture that teaches us not to trust our own intuition, especially with respect to sex.  It is a response that seeks to reassure us that we are normal and that there is nothing wrong with us.

How To

Look on your vulva with love

Emily Nagoski is clear that your best source of knowledge about your sexuality is your own body and that how you feel about your genitals, along with loving your body as it is, will give you more intense arousal and desire, as well as bigger and better orgasms.  Hence, the first exercises in her book are about getting to know your vulva by looking at it with a hand mirror and identifying all the parts.  Then she invites you to make a note of all the things you see that you like.  Don’t include the things that you don’t like.  Do this again every week, or twice a week or more often.  She says that the more you do this, the things you like will become more salient and the noise in your brain will get a little quieter.  Maybe even consider telling someone else about what you see and what you like.  Better still, tell someone who also did the exercise!

I have frequently looked at my vulva and vagina over the years, but usually with 1/3 hate, 1/2 worry and 1/6 gratitude.  Hate because it was a source of shame resulting from sexual abuse; worry because I struggled with vaginitis for years and also wondered whether it would all stretch enough for the birth of both my daughters; and gratitude because it did all, in fact, stretch enough for both births.  I had never tried to consider what I like about these intimate parts of my body, my genitals, until I did this exercise.

I did this practice solo and in community.  Three other women did the exercise for a couple of weeks and then we talked about it.  We did so one-on-one and not in community; the women are scattered across the globe, do not all know one another, and don’t all share a common language.  One woman is starting in on her 30s, another in her 40s, I am on the cusp of 50, and the fourth woman is in her early 70s.  I highly recommend doing this with a friend or even in a women’s circle.

It was fascinating to discover the truth behind what Nagoski says about our attitudes towards a woman’s vulva, vagina and clitoris and how that affects each one of us.  Three of us had to confront the truth that we have been conditioned to think that looking at our vulva is not normal.  We had to overcome the shame we felt before we could even start. Then we had to cope with our own judgement towards ourselves for being so disconnected from our own bodies. Also, having this conversation led to a wider ranging conversation about ideas related to what it means to be a decent woman; how we experience our sexuality; our attitudes towards menstruation, menopause, self-pleasuring i.e., masturbation; and what we hope for ourselves and future generations of women related to all these topics.  The conversation would have been incomplete without talking about labiaplasty, and one of the women told me about a plastic surgeon in Colombia who only does this procedure.  We joked about how the women who go to him will all come out with a vulva looking like what he thinks the perfect (sic) vulva should look like.

When Hilde Atalanta asked “What can I do to start liking my vulva?” on her IG @the.vulva.gallery account, one person responded: 

My suggestion is to aim towards neutrality before attempting to climb the mountain of love for your vulva.  Sometimes when we’ve felt insecure for so long, trying to flip all the way to love can be very hard, and it’s easier to focus on a more neutral stance.  ‘My vulva exists’.  ‘My vulva does not seek to harm me.’ ‘My vulva is hairy and that it normal’.  ‘My vulva is brown/pink/purple/beige in color.’ Simple statements of fact like this can be much easier for our brains to handle.  After that you can try to find things to love!  For instance, my vulva has really fluffy hair, and I think my labia look great!”

You probably will not want to show your vulva to all and sundry, but if you can do that with the mutual consent of at least one other woman, I recommend this too.  This is easily said, but must be cautiously done.  It is so open to misunderstanding with people who have not already done some thinking and feeling about women’s sexuality and their own.  The friend I did this with spoke about having to confront associating the vulva with abuse and violation; the notion that someone else seeing your vulva is invasive; what it means for our sexual identity — will the other woman get the wrong idea?  Because of all the taboos around our genitals, being able to look with a friend depends on trust, respect and depth of relationship.   The ability to do it is evidence of the presence of this in your friendship.  What we found was that the act of showing and looking wasn’t nearly as difficult as getting past our ideas and fears about doing it.  It was a sacred and liberating moment.

As I already mentioned, Nagoski is all about body positivity and I encourage you to learn to look on the other parts of your body that you are not so keen on with love, and find the beauty in them too.  To get this right, take some advice from John O’Donahue:

“… if our style of looking becomes beautiful, then beauty will become visible and shine forth for us.  We will be surprised to discover beauty in unexpected places where the ungraceful eye would never linger. The graced eye can glimpse beauty anywhere, for beauty does not reserve itself for special elite moments or instances; it does not wait for perfection but is present already secretly in everything.  When we beautify our gaze, the grace of hidden beauty becomes our joy and our sanctuary.” 

Excerpt from Beauty: The Invisible Embrace by John O’Donahue

Conclusion

Emily Nagoski has written a deeply body positive and sex positive book about the science that explains women’s sexuality.  Through the exercises and questionnaires you will gain insight into your own very normal and unique sexual functioning.  Be aware — doing the work laid out in the book is far from easy, and bringing a friend along can make all the difference.